Monday, July 16, 2012

My perfect Picture

Being brought up by a single parent, I was so content that I swore I would never get married. I had so much freedom of speech while growing up with my mum. With my dad, we had to pretend to be doing something important when he was around. We would be chatting the evening away with mum, but as soon as we heard the gate open, we ran in all directions, because it would not only cause us trouble, but my mum too. They had such a huge communication break down, that they only spoke through my brother and I. My dad always read the newspaper in the living room, while keeping an eye on us. Those were really awkward moments, because most of the time my brother would be dozing off or just staring at his books. How I knew that... was from his grades. When he had had his dinner else where, he would come home pretending to be tired, and would complain about the food, just because he couldn't bring himself to tell my mum the truth. He had an awesome relationship with us though, and he had cute nick names for all the kids. My only problem was, my mum was there before the kids and the most important relationship for us, was theirs.

Living with my mother, was a breath of fresh air. We didn't need to try hard, or to pretend. The picture I had of dads was the controlling kind, where kids had to behave at all times, and by behave I mean quiet or living in fear. Though his hostility was directed mostly or all the time toward my mum, it affected us a great deal. I would say especially me, because my dear brother didn't seem to have a clue about anything. As the first born it was natural that I became more aware of my surroundings. We moved away and I personally burned all the bridges behind me. With my new found freedom, I knew I would never return to such slavery. Through out my teens I made decisions and swore I would never get married or I would never divorce. My mind was made up and I didn't take any nonsense from guys.

I grew up however, and soften a little bit. I wanted love, but I didn't care very much about where it was gonna take me. I enjoyed it while it lasted. I had a happily ever after dream somewhere in the back of my head. My favorite story like many girls was cinderella. I was waiting for my prince charming, to come one day and rescue me. It happened, not once or twice, but many times in my life. There were many heartbreaks and many wonderful memories. I would fall and fail but I rose up and tried again. I would never give up on love. 

Time went by, I moved to a new country, met new people. They believed in love, they seemed to know exactly how to do stuff. This was a new world for me.  I was still searching, waiting for my prince charming. I had not found him and I envied those who were so contented in their relationships. I could not find that. I was not proud of anything in my life. Were my expectations too high? Was I unrealistic? The challenge was, I had no role model, I didn't know how it was supposed to be. The only ones I had, were in the novels, the movies, and my imagination of what perfect would be. I knew very well what I didn't want and I can say that helped a bit. Before this phase in my life, I had been surrounded by people like me, who grew up with single parents. When you grow up a certain way you tend to surround yourself with people who are like you. So Mr. right was never discussed.

I met so many wonderful people at my new church, and I noticed most of them were married even at a very young age. I was not used to this. I had seen what we call in my country 'come we stay'. This now became my perfect picture. I would hear men talk about their wives, and  they did it with so much pride. This was all new for me. I felt cheated by life, that this was happening in this world but my perspective of marriage had been totally distorted by my reality. I wanted the same thing. I wanted a husband who would be proud of me, one who would praise me like that. In my world, I had not seen this, not even in the movies. This was special, It was the kind of love that you trust. My new found friends seemed so sure. They were happy and looked like they knew exactly what they were doing. I made a list, and a deal with God to give me a husband. I knew if I find him in this place, he would know exactly what to do just like this men. I saw it everywhere I went, and this made me want it even more. Was it something they saw others do? Was it a trend? I had no idea... all I knew is that I wanted the same.

Continued in 2

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