Monday, July 16, 2012

my perfect picture 2


There were many challenges in this journey, and one is that there are few and handsome men in the church. I don't mean this the wrong way. It could have been the one I was attending. I mean they get married so young, that if you're above a certain age and hasn't found, it might take you sometime or years to ever find. When there is a single good looking man, all eyes are on him or he might just not be your type. I found love outside the church but I didn't want to be unequally yoked.... Then I would start the project of bringing this guy to church, he would feel pressured because of how uptight and principled I would be, that the whole thing would just crumble. I was not going to compromise...I was going to either make the man or find the man. I was not so hopeful of finding one ready. I took on a few projects, then I realized, the only way is to truly find exactly what I wanted instead of teaching an old dog new tricks.

I became a slave of only what I saw on sundays. The perfect picture of families. I never thought about what could be happening beyond the church. The sunday impression was all I had. It was all I knew, and according to me this people had it all. They spoke so well about each other, they praised each other, and the men mentioned their wives in every sentence. This is what I wanted... I would visualize myself with such a family. It became almost my obsession. There were prayer groups for wives, husbands and praying for the kids. As a single person, I felt left out, I wanted to belong to this group. They seemed so contented and one seemed to get instant respect if they were married.  Finally, God answered my prayer I found a man who was the perfect picture of a church guy. All this happened so fast and at a time when I guess I was vulnerable. All I knew about him was that he was a church guy. His character, goals, ambitions, likes and dislikes I did not think about or ask. We had spoken on our long phone calls about topics totally different from we liking each other, and because of that I thought I knew him. I felt safe with him. I knew he would be like all this men I had seen in the church. He like them, knows exactly what to do. When he told me he loved me, I never questioned why or how. I should have because he had never indicated he liked me in that way. All this time I thought we were friends since we didn't hit it off when we first met.

We got married,  the women would welcome me like 'welcome to the club my sister, it's not easy' I was shocked!  It's not easy? I could not believe it... were they living a lie? Was everybody pretending to be happy? I was determined to make mine work. I was not going to survive..I was going to thrive! My dream came to a grinding halt only weeks after. I realized then that I was doomed. My life was over. I had gotten what I wanted, but not what I needed. I continued to battle with thoughts of shame at the realization of the mistake I had made. I tried to make it work just so I can look good, but I had to to tell myself the truth. How long was I going to pretend to be happy. We did the church thing... showing up places and smiling even though I was dying inside. This is not who I was. He had obviously played this game for so long that it had become part and parcel of him. Long story... I could not make it work on my own. 

My decision to leave was criticized by many. One particular to my face said that marriage was for strong people. Even though I had poured my heart to her right from the beginning. I was seen as weak and stupid. Some called me impatient and that I could not keep a man. I was wearing the shoes, and they hurt so bad. I knew the truth, that this was not what I signed up for, and it was not how it looked like.  Yes, I didn't have a role model, but that doesn't mean I didn't have common sense. I knew how to be treated right and I knew what I didn't want. I could not live a lie, or live my lie for other people. My life is mine, and I'm not here to please anyone. It requires enormous self-control not to succumb, because our natural tendency is to want to please. Many asked me to be patient, that's because we all think marriage problems are Identical and there is only one way to save a marriage. To be patient.  I realized then that very few people have the gift of listening. Those who listened understood, those who didn't asked me to be patient. 

When a marriage ends, in most cases the woman is to blame with this verse from proverbs 14:1  "A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands." If I behave in the way people expect me to behave I'll become their slave. My perfect picture is so different today. It's authentic, from a deeper place. I now set my own standards, I'm not so easily deceived by what I see. I live my own life. I have my dreams and Ideas about life. I'll stick to that no matter how off they may seem to others, or how naive they may be. All things are possible and I can create my own reality the way I want. God wants the best for us and most of the time we might get our way in order to learn a lesson. When we do take the lesson, we become better, wiser and stronger.  

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