Sunday, July 1, 2012

Doing it ashamed

When I was growing up, because of some of the challenges that I went through, I made some decisions. Challenges are so important because it's in those moments that our character is built. Most of my decisions started with ... I will never. The thing about I will never though, is that I became so uptight but also principled and there is a very thin line between the two. I was for many years till recently too busy trying to live or be right that I forgot to be happy. Some of you are probably like me.

I don't know exactly how this started... but I suspect it's from my childhood, or the expectations of the society. Where I come from, people have a tendency of minding other peoples business and sometimes or most, that affects the way you live your life. There was a time I didn't care about anyone else's happiness but mine. In the process of growing up, I became logical, reasonable, adaptable and I conformed to the standards of I don't know what. I tried to be like everyone else and everyone else was trying to be like everyone else. Then a tragic thing happened! I lost myself.

Time went by, and deep down I kept feeling like I was wearing a big shell. I had no way to break free from it... Then I met a lady who reminded me to go back to what my mum had taught me. To pray and give everything to God. This is something I did every morning and night but I had not seen much results. I went back to her and she told me the secret was to believe that you receive. I never did that before, I was just praying without being specific and probably without believing, but so I can live right. I always said God help me! That was my prayer. Help my mum, brother and sister and my dad. I would mention all the names of the people I wanted God to help but I was not specific about what. I figured he would know what I mean. I tried to be specific once, and my sister laughed out loud in the middle of the prayer, I thought it would be a sin.

I grew up with a God of punishment. Who would do something really terrible if I made a mistake. I lived in fear and believed everything everybody said. I was evaluating my life the other day, and realized that I still had that fear and it had held me back so many times in so many ways. We all know that God is love but that side of him was never mentioned to us. We were taught to live in the fear of God instead of reverence. Now... one of my I will never was... divorce... then I found a verse in the bible that said that he hated divorce. I had nothing to worry about since I would obviously make the right decision.

I made my list of what I wanted in a husband way back and forgot about it. My life changed every year, I kept growing up and being reasonable. I put aside all the desires of my heart to what I considered selfless. The standards of what I wanted in a husband were narrowed down to God fearing. I completely ignored me and my needs and what makes me happy. I was afraid to ask God because I thought he was boring and was to be feared alone, and he couldn't possibly give me anything interesting. Then something happened... one day God answered my prayer.

I met someone through a friend. I had known him and thought he was so not my type but I went anyway. One year passed by, I was not attracted to him but he would call here and there. After one and a half years of meeting about three or four times, he smsd and said he loved me. That came as a huge surprise! Then I remembered, he was the perfect image to me of God fearing. I said yes. We dated in what he termed as unconventional. That meant we only saw on weekends when he had time. This disturbed me a great deal but I kept encouraging myself with, 'he was God fearing'. Life changed for the better we got married.

Two weeks before, I had called my mentor and told her I was going to cancel.... Then I thought about the money we had spent on the planning, the invitations, the people involved and so on. I called him again and the best answer he gave me was; if you do, you have to know there is no turning back. In short there is no other chance. That should have been a huge red flag... but again he was God fearing and he might change or he knew what he was doing. After we were married, I realized the only thing he was, was God fearing and I had made the biggest mistake in front of the God that i feared and two hundred people. I had two choices, to commit suicide or divorce. It was that serious. I could not imagine myself divorced and I couldn't imagine myself unhappy. I had to make a choice.

I thank God for my mum, she's a strong woman. She supported me every step of the way but I could not get past the God of punishment. I decided my choice would be maybe to die. Then I remembered what I always told myself... "It is more important for me to be happy than to be married". Easier said than done. I battled with the thought of pleasing God by remaining married. Then my mum with her humor would remind me that I'm not the first and the last, and she's still alive. I was filled with shame... what would people say, they will think it's me and so on. All my life I had wanted to do things right, and here I was... with a failure that was witnessed by hundreds of people. I was ashamed, alone and afraid. I had good friends though. They stood with me and by me. Thank you dear friends... I love you all.

I made a decision after much Prayer, effort, counsel and hope of making it work. There was no way... This was the biggest and hardest decision I ever made. I filed for divorce! One good man helped me realize the God of love. That I can be happy, it's was not the end of the world. That he wanted the best for me and he wanted to fulfill the desires of my heart. It didn't come easy, slowly I embraced love. I was filled with shame and fear for a long time after that, but I made steps to forget and live my life to the fullest. I decided to follow my bliss... I went to my list and found I had gone off course. This man was not for me... he was what I Imagined him to be. I had put my desires in a God fearing box. It was not everything, it was not enough and the title doesn't make a man. We have become a society of titles like; engineer, pilot, doctor, lawyer and so on. There is nothing wrong with that... I say this cause I remember my mentor asking me if he makes me laugh, and my answer was; he is God fearing. Maybe you like me has sacrificed the things that matter most to you, it's never too late. I found my list and the man that fits there. Today I'm happy.

I was ashamed, afraid, but did what I had to do. The wrong person affects your perspective of life and love. The excuse of nobody is perfect I find unnecessary because to me, perfection doesn't exist. I found myself again after this challenges and today I put myself first because when I'm happy and healthy, I can operate in my full potential and also be there for others.

No comments:

Post a Comment